quickly, though my hands are dirty...

today is has been a relatively lazy day.
productive, but lazy none the less...

and with all this nothing going on, i've had some time to reflect on the finer points of existence.
like the sweet sweet satisfaction of yanking weeds out of the garden.
or the smell of fresh cut grass
the taste of an icy beer through sweaty salty lips.

and the kind of adoration a girl can only feel for her dog.

i can get used to this life....

well that sucked...

some of you may know that i recently went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
this is something i've had all my life but never realized until just recently, and as soon as i figured out that this is the cause of some of my lifes worst problems; burdening my relationships, severely disrupting my jobs, and basically inhibiting my whole life, i went to the doctor, who promptly prescribed medication, which i picked up this morning.

the medicines i was prescribed was prozac and lorazepam, which i took right away, because every time i have to go to work i get physically sick, and i had to work today.
about 45 minutes later i was bawling, sobbing.
for no reason at all.
john used the word "hysterical" but not in the funny way.
this continued for about an hour.
an hour of sobbing, on my sofa. by myself. for no fucking reason at all.
(john insisted on me calling in to work which i did...while sobbing)
after i stopped sobbing, i fell asleep where i sat.
i didn't wake up until my sister came home two hours later, despite the fact that i had an almost 20 lb cat sleeping on me.

i was confused, disoriented and spacy.
still tired...kinda achy in the chest and back.

finally i'm beginning to feel a bit better. at least my mind is clearing up a bit.
i should have known there was a problem when suddenly obi NEEDED to be next to me. right next to me, or actually in my lap.
and about the same time goat came running and needed to be in my lap also, despite the fact that obi was there. and goat doesn't really do sofa lap snuggle time....
they both stayed near me until my sister got home.

i will not be taking the lorazepam again, as i think that is the cause of the episode.
i will likely keep with the prozac unless i discover after taking my 2nd dose tomorrow night that THAT is the culprit.

as bad as the anxiety is and has been...this is worse.
fuck western medicine
fuck doctors who want to medicate the world.
and fuck pharmaceutical companies who make products with crippling side effects.
congratulations on being wealthy and happy....at everyone elses expense.