i've said it before...

some people are soldiers and some are generals.

the generals sit in the tent, plan the best course of action and move with strategy and safety.
they are cautious, watching the battles, choosing when to make their move.
they are protected.

and then there are the soldiers, rushing into battle screaming, bayonet at the ready, knowing any minute they could be blown to bits... charging anyway.
they get wounded. they get scarred.
but they fight with everything they've got, because they know no other way.

i am not a general.

like a moth

sometimes i wonder how a person is supposed to function properly when their body and brain are working against them.
and, yes, that means my anxiety meds aren't working. at least they aren't helping.


i liked it better when i thought i was was just dying.
phantom symptoms of death that would suddenly appear at random...and fade after a while.
it was more romantic that way, dancing with bits of death....

but it's not death, and it's terribly un-romantic.
it's just my brain, misfiring signals to the rest of my body.
making me utterly crippled.
physically ill.
weak.
pathetic.
very real symptoms of an imaginary plague.
completely beyond my control.

i am not a strong person, fighting against death
i am merely wrestling myself. my own body and brain.
and i am losing.

 and the best part is that unless you have a mental illness you don't really understand how utterly devastating it can be.
people just tell me to "cheer up" or "get over it"
the best one is "relax, it's only ____(whatever happens to trigger the attack)"

ok, if it's so easy then fix me. right now.  PLEASE.

but i can't blame them for not getting it. i suffered for 30 years and only recently knew it's name. and even now it's new to me.

but i can tell you how it feels.
it's like being attacked my a moth.
it's something normal and natural.
mundane.
benign.
but sometimes it sneaks up on you, climbs down your throat and rips up your insides.
after it's done it crawls out again, and flutters around innocently, never telling it's secret, never crawling down your friends throat, your boss, your neighbor.
and i mean, what harm can a moth do, right?
and you feel stupid for being so defeated by something so small.
as small and harmless as a moth.

this is what it's like.