misdirection

i've been depressed lately.
we can blame the weather and my frozen toes at the end of may.
it's easy.
but it's not 100%

recently it has come to my attention that i have spent a majority of my life battling my own mind.
i have an anxiety disorder, and up until this point i have been subconsciously making excuses for it; blaming other factors "oh i must be sick" stuff like that.
the thing is, it has been getting in the way of almost everything i want to do. travel is difficult. holding down a job has been disastrous. sleeping is sometimes impossible.

i begin seeing a doctor on the 7th. and it can't come soon enough.

but there is even more than that...
lately i've been looking at photos of places i have never been and i have realized that i'll those are places i will never be.
we barely have enough money to keep our house, travel is simply out of the question.
so i'm stuck here. in a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world...and it's nice, really...but it's not where i expected to be.
somehow i though my life would be different.
i thought i'd have seen more of the world, or at least more of my own country by now. but i haven't.

i used to have this idea in my head that i would be living someplace old, yet small. someplace with quirky shops and diners where there would be menu items actually worth paying for. someplace where i could have a little piece of dirt for a garden and squeeze out a living doing something i didn't dread.
someplace not so cold. someplace where there was more like-minded people i could be inspired by, more than just the handful i keep close now.

-don't get me wrong, i love my home, and hopefully i'll be keeping it.
and i could probably be perfectly content right where i am if i could only travel....be inspired.
and i think that is my problem. i am wholly uninspired.
i feel stagnant.
zombified.
i feel like reality is crushing down on fantastical hope.
 (and we all need a little bit of fantastical hope.)
i'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. (hopefully)
ugh.

maybe it's just the weather....

"that joke isn't funny anymore.." unless it is, of course...

i've come to realize that most people don't "get" my sense of humor.
or maybe as i'm getting older my humor has become more jaded, cynical, self depreciating, obscure and utterly sarcastic.
and maybe it's because over the years lack of steady socialization has found me increasingly socially awkward, and that is reflected in my steady stream of tasteless jokes that no one seems to understand, further compounding the awkwardness.

is this something abnormal?
do other people have humor problems?

i mean, i completely understand how humor and sarcasm get lost in print, but in day to day conversations i find my comments getting those all too familiar "what the fuck?" looks from people.

and i'm also not wallowing in some pool of  "woe, no one understands me!", because people do. i have a few solid core group of people who completely understand that i'm really NOT going to light the cat on fire, and the funny part about it is that i secretly kind of want to. they get that.
(and they also understand the compound sarcasm of it all)
and recently i was semi-scolded by my fiancee for laughing every single time our friends girlfriend got pissed off at him and went on a public rant, ripping him a new one. it happened a lot. i thought it was funny. it was completely absurd. and funny.
or not, i guess...

so is it that my humor is changing, or am i just noticing these confused or downright negative reactions to it more often?
as i get older do my peers just not find that shit funny anymore, or have they NEVER found it funny, and are now comfortable with their social acceptance to not pretend that they do?
or maybe i'm just not very funny.
(ok, yes i am. or at the very least i find myself hysterically amusing. and that's all that counts.)

the truth is, i don't really give a shit one way or the other.
i'm simply musing...
this is what happens when i'm left alone in the house after painting all day.

but now the musings must end as i need to go rescue my ancient, blind, toothless decrepit little dog from from my other big dog who thinks it's funny to sit on the sofa above him and smack him on the head whit his big dog paw, likely because he can't see where it's coming from.
i think it's funny too.
and that's why we get along.

these boots are made for... stomping on the accelorator and heading the fuck out of town.

my feet are bare, but not terribly dirty.

and i think that's the problem.
i need dirt on the bottoms of my feet.
i need physical proof that i have been up so something moderately scandalous.

i need to get the fuck out of rhinelander for a day...or a couple days.
i need to feed my head with a taste of something different.

my devotion to my beloved wisconsin northwoods is deep and true...
...but sometimes i need a sip of the city.
i need to escape the purity predictability of the woods and water
and shuffle around in human filth and development and madness.
i want to not have to use my brain to find something interesting to do with myself, i want to just walk around a corner and be entertained, fulfilled.

i blame this long, drawn out season.
it's a deadlock time; not spring, not winter.
and i'm feeling stagnant....still.

luckily, in a couple days i will be in minneapolis's concrete embrace
(and i can finally quell my insatiable cravings for a vegan cupcake form the wedge!)
and the week after that, milwaukee.
winter has deprived me of the light i require, so now i'm going to revel in their sweet florescent's, incandescents, halogens and LEDs

and partake in the madness of humanity.


right now (and perhaps it's a simple as an emerging from some sort of soul hibernation) i just want to be around people and people-made things.
-i'm sure i'll get over it soon enough.
       perhaps just in time to go hide in he woods all summer.


it's probably good that i'm feeling this way; i've got a pretty full plate this month:
photo gigs,
two road trips,
a friend's (whom i haven't seen in years) show to attend...

i'd probably never manage it in my normal, semi-hermitic state..
maybe it's my subconscious prepping me for social survival.
yay for the brain that fools me!

ugh.

a friend of mine just summed it up:
"the winter doldrums...
at least bears and shit hibernate..
wake up in the spring and go right back to fucking in the bushes like nothing happened.
lucky fuckers"

lucky indeed, my friend,
lucky indeed.

guns don't kill people, lack of sunlight in winter kills people.

oh dark winter....
be as metal as you want, being without the sun makes people crazy.
i adore wisconsin, and i even enjoy winter, but come mid january through mid march...things get rough.
 my sister and i were talking today about understanding why countries near the arctic circle have such high suicide rates.
not that we are considering offing ourselves, but well...you get it.

lately i have all the time in the world to get all my many potential projects done...yet i want to do nothing.
-no, that's not even true, i've got a bad case of the "fuckits".
 there are a hundred things i want to do...but fuck it.

so what do i do all day? who knows, piss most of it away onlineor wander around my tiny city doing menial, grocery-related tasks.
essentially...nothing.

really, i'm still just pissed off about the slow death of my creativity. but instead i'll blame it on the weather.
whatever, i want some hot wings, i want a beer, and i want to watch the alien movies. followed by more movies where things blow up.

and then i want to go burn my sofa in the backyard.
perhaps tomorrow...lets burn the sofa.
maybe.
(is that legal?)
(do i care?)

wow.

i need a shower...

good riddance and embracing the unknown

well, we're four days into the new year. usually i've already written and ode to the past year, and a wish list for the new.
i think as they years go by it's my creativity and ambition that deteriorates the most, rather than my physical being (seeing as i still get carded in liquor stores).
so that hasn't happened.
i guess i could take the opportunity here and now, and maybe that'll help kick start my brain again.

2010, no offense, but i'm not going to really miss you.
 between all the fighting (dog and human; physical and verbal), dumb alcoholic stunts, lack of financial stability and the understanding that some of the people you thought were awesome are really self-centered and weak, i could have been just as content sleeping through this expanse of time.
however, through hardship we are tested and forced to evolve. to learn.
and without this bullshit john and i would not have anywhere near as strong a relationship as we do.
2010 also gave us grimm, who is pretty cool.
and it reminded me that the friends i really really love never disappoint. (and despite the little time i get to spend time with you these days, just knowing you exist saves my sanity daily)
i also got a super dose of family, which, without them, i would simply fail at life. they are my hammock, my safety net, and without them i would never be able to venture upward.
my family rocks.
my friends rock
 my lover rocks.
and my dogs are awesome. (the cats, however...)
so that's what 2010 gave me. a big pile of shit, but some really solid rocks.

next year...well, who knows.
i get married, which is kind of big. we have nothing planned, of course, because it's me. we had a solid plan, but then changed our minds. so we'll see what happens with that.

 i really want to get back into photography. i need a website, bad, and that's my big hang-up at the moment. and i'm thinking of getting a new camera. and a cheap or used laptop. but again, who knows.
it's a way to make some money that i actually like. and i'm decent at it. so why not?
i'm probably going back to school. at least to take some art classes. maybe something involving books and words...
i just don't know...with my financial situation everything is really a mystery. anything could happen.
 it's kind of scary...but kind of exciting.
but what can you do, right? this is life.
raw
unsafe
unpredictable.
this is what it's about.

and all through the house

so it's the night before the night before christmas.

thing are pretty much the same as they always are this time of year.
and just like years passed, this one finds me in a similar state; relatively broke, moderately stressed, and unbearably grateful.

on this december 23rd, 2010 (ok, it's actually the 24th at this point, but whatever) i have nothing to complain about.
really.
 despite the fact that this year finds me in the worst financial shape i have ever been in, no presents from me under the tree,  no real solid job, didn't make the deadline for school...
 yet all i can think is how really lucky i am.
i have a family who has shown their support  and love over and over again without judgment and asking nothing in return,
i have these crazy people who accept or, at the very least, ignore my annoying quirks and faults and bad-friend antics and continue, after all these years (or weeks) to call me "friend",
i have a fiancee who makes me feel balance and love like i have never known
i have a roof over my head
fur on every article of clothing i own
food in the fridge
gas in the tank

i am a lucky girl.

and it doesn't matter what other people are getting this year for christmas or whatever the fuck it is you celebrate, i have more than i could ever want for, more than could fit under any damn tree.

so i guess what i'm saying is thanks...all of you...
the big ones,
little ones,
furry ones,
old ones,
and new ones

for rocking my fucking life.

unfinished

I remember when

We fought not to come clean

To keep the smell of wood smoke in our hair

And our clothes keep whispers of burning branches

Under the stars

Under the wide Wisconsin sky…

I remember the summer

Dirty and brown

Your permanent frown

And my clumsy words falling from my mouth

all around you

and our skin soaked with rain

I remember…