my feet are bare, but not terribly dirty.
and i think that's the problem.
i need dirt on the bottoms of my feet.
i need physical proof that i have been up so something moderately scandalous.
i need to get the fuck out of rhinelander for a day...or a couple days.
i need to feed my head with a taste of something different.
my devotion to my beloved wisconsin northwoods is deep and true...
...but sometimes i need a sip of the city.
i need to escape the purity predictability of the woods and water
and shuffle around in human filth and development and madness.
i want to not have to use my brain to find something interesting to do with myself, i want to just walk around a corner and be entertained, fulfilled.
i blame this long, drawn out season.
it's a deadlock time; not spring, not winter.
and i'm feeling stagnant....still.
luckily, in a couple days i will be in minneapolis's concrete embrace
(and i can finally quell my insatiable cravings for a vegan cupcake form the wedge!)
and the week after that, milwaukee.
winter has deprived me of the light i require, so now i'm going to revel in their sweet florescent's, incandescents, halogens and LEDs
and partake in the madness of humanity.
right now (and perhaps it's a simple as an emerging from some sort of soul hibernation) i just want to be around people and people-made things.
-i'm sure i'll get over it soon enough.
perhaps just in time to go hide in he woods all summer.
it's probably good that i'm feeling this way; i've got a pretty full plate this month:
photo gigs,
two road trips,
a friend's (whom i haven't seen in years) show to attend...
i'd probably never manage it in my normal, semi-hermitic state..
maybe it's my subconscious prepping me for social survival.
yay for the brain that fools me!
ugh.
a friend of mine just summed it up:
"the winter doldrums...
at least bears and shit hibernate..
wake up in the spring and go right back to fucking in the bushes like nothing happened.
lucky fuckers"
lucky indeed, my friend,
lucky indeed.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
guns don't kill people, lack of sunlight in winter kills people.
oh dark winter....
be as metal as you want, being without the sun makes people crazy.
i adore wisconsin, and i even enjoy winter, but come mid january through mid march...things get rough.
my sister and i were talking today about understanding why countries near the arctic circle have such high suicide rates.
not that we are considering offing ourselves, but well...you get it.
lately i have all the time in the world to get all my many potential projects done...yet i want to do nothing.
-no, that's not even true, i've got a bad case of the "fuckits".
there are a hundred things i want to do...but fuck it.
so what do i do all day? who knows, piss most of it away onlineor wander around my tiny city doing menial, grocery-related tasks.
essentially...nothing.
really, i'm still just pissed off about the slow death of my creativity. but instead i'll blame it on the weather.
whatever, i want some hot wings, i want a beer, and i want to watch the alien movies. followed by more movies where things blow up.
and then i want to go burn my sofa in the backyard.
perhaps tomorrow...lets burn the sofa.
maybe.
(is that legal?)
(do i care?)
wow.
i need a shower...
be as metal as you want, being without the sun makes people crazy.
i adore wisconsin, and i even enjoy winter, but come mid january through mid march...things get rough.
my sister and i were talking today about understanding why countries near the arctic circle have such high suicide rates.
not that we are considering offing ourselves, but well...you get it.
lately i have all the time in the world to get all my many potential projects done...yet i want to do nothing.
-no, that's not even true, i've got a bad case of the "fuckits".
there are a hundred things i want to do...but fuck it.
so what do i do all day? who knows, piss most of it away onlineor wander around my tiny city doing menial, grocery-related tasks.
essentially...nothing.
really, i'm still just pissed off about the slow death of my creativity. but instead i'll blame it on the weather.
whatever, i want some hot wings, i want a beer, and i want to watch the alien movies. followed by more movies where things blow up.
and then i want to go burn my sofa in the backyard.
perhaps tomorrow...lets burn the sofa.
maybe.
(is that legal?)
(do i care?)
wow.
i need a shower...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
good riddance and embracing the unknown
well, we're four days into the new year. usually i've already written and ode to the past year, and a wish list for the new.
i think as they years go by it's my creativity and ambition that deteriorates the most, rather than my physical being (seeing as i still get carded in liquor stores).
so that hasn't happened.
i guess i could take the opportunity here and now, and maybe that'll help kick start my brain again.
2010, no offense, but i'm not going to really miss you.
between all the fighting (dog and human; physical and verbal), dumb alcoholic stunts, lack of financial stability and the understanding that some of the people you thought were awesome are really self-centered and weak, i could have been just as content sleeping through this expanse of time.
however, through hardship we are tested and forced to evolve. to learn.
and without this bullshit john and i would not have anywhere near as strong a relationship as we do.
2010 also gave us grimm, who is pretty cool.
and it reminded me that the friends i really really love never disappoint. (and despite the little time i get to spend time with you these days, just knowing you exist saves my sanity daily)
i also got a super dose of family, which, without them, i would simply fail at life. they are my hammock, my safety net, and without them i would never be able to venture upward.
my family rocks.
my friends rock
my lover rocks.
and my dogs are awesome. (the cats, however...)
so that's what 2010 gave me. a big pile of shit, but some really solid rocks.
next year...well, who knows.
i get married, which is kind of big. we have nothing planned, of course, because it's me. we had a solid plan, but then changed our minds. so we'll see what happens with that.
i really want to get back into photography. i need a website, bad, and that's my big hang-up at the moment. and i'm thinking of getting a new camera. and a cheap or used laptop. but again, who knows.
it's a way to make some money that i actually like. and i'm decent at it. so why not?
i'm probably going back to school. at least to take some art classes. maybe something involving books and words...
i just don't know...with my financial situation everything is really a mystery. anything could happen.
it's kind of scary...but kind of exciting.
but what can you do, right? this is life.
raw
unsafe
unpredictable.
this is what it's about.
i think as they years go by it's my creativity and ambition that deteriorates the most, rather than my physical being (seeing as i still get carded in liquor stores).
so that hasn't happened.
i guess i could take the opportunity here and now, and maybe that'll help kick start my brain again.
2010, no offense, but i'm not going to really miss you.
between all the fighting (dog and human; physical and verbal), dumb alcoholic stunts, lack of financial stability and the understanding that some of the people you thought were awesome are really self-centered and weak, i could have been just as content sleeping through this expanse of time.
however, through hardship we are tested and forced to evolve. to learn.
and without this bullshit john and i would not have anywhere near as strong a relationship as we do.
2010 also gave us grimm, who is pretty cool.
and it reminded me that the friends i really really love never disappoint. (and despite the little time i get to spend time with you these days, just knowing you exist saves my sanity daily)
i also got a super dose of family, which, without them, i would simply fail at life. they are my hammock, my safety net, and without them i would never be able to venture upward.
my family rocks.
my friends rock
my lover rocks.
and my dogs are awesome. (the cats, however...)
so that's what 2010 gave me. a big pile of shit, but some really solid rocks.
next year...well, who knows.
i get married, which is kind of big. we have nothing planned, of course, because it's me. we had a solid plan, but then changed our minds. so we'll see what happens with that.
i really want to get back into photography. i need a website, bad, and that's my big hang-up at the moment. and i'm thinking of getting a new camera. and a cheap or used laptop. but again, who knows.
it's a way to make some money that i actually like. and i'm decent at it. so why not?
i'm probably going back to school. at least to take some art classes. maybe something involving books and words...
i just don't know...with my financial situation everything is really a mystery. anything could happen.
it's kind of scary...but kind of exciting.
but what can you do, right? this is life.
raw
unsafe
unpredictable.
this is what it's about.
Friday, December 24, 2010
and all through the house
so it's the night before the night before christmas.
thing are pretty much the same as they always are this time of year.
and just like years passed, this one finds me in a similar state; relatively broke, moderately stressed, and unbearably grateful.
on this december 23rd, 2010 (ok, it's actually the 24th at this point, but whatever) i have nothing to complain about.
really.
despite the fact that this year finds me in the worst financial shape i have ever been in, no presents from me under the tree, no real solid job, didn't make the deadline for school...
yet all i can think is how really lucky i am.
i have a family who has shown their support and love over and over again without judgment and asking nothing in return,
i have these crazy people who accept or, at the very least, ignore my annoying quirks and faults and bad-friend antics and continue, after all these years (or weeks) to call me "friend",
i have a fiancee who makes me feel balance and love like i have never known
i have a roof over my head
fur on every article of clothing i own
food in the fridge
gas in the tank
i am a lucky girl.
and it doesn't matter what other people are getting this year for christmas or whatever the fuck it is you celebrate, i have more than i could ever want for, more than could fit under any damn tree.
so i guess what i'm saying is thanks...all of you...
the big ones,
little ones,
furry ones,
old ones,
and new ones
for rocking my fucking life.
thing are pretty much the same as they always are this time of year.
and just like years passed, this one finds me in a similar state; relatively broke, moderately stressed, and unbearably grateful.
on this december 23rd, 2010 (ok, it's actually the 24th at this point, but whatever) i have nothing to complain about.
really.
despite the fact that this year finds me in the worst financial shape i have ever been in, no presents from me under the tree, no real solid job, didn't make the deadline for school...
yet all i can think is how really lucky i am.
i have a family who has shown their support and love over and over again without judgment and asking nothing in return,
i have these crazy people who accept or, at the very least, ignore my annoying quirks and faults and bad-friend antics and continue, after all these years (or weeks) to call me "friend",
i have a fiancee who makes me feel balance and love like i have never known
i have a roof over my head
fur on every article of clothing i own
food in the fridge
gas in the tank
i am a lucky girl.
and it doesn't matter what other people are getting this year for christmas or whatever the fuck it is you celebrate, i have more than i could ever want for, more than could fit under any damn tree.
so i guess what i'm saying is thanks...all of you...
the big ones,
little ones,
furry ones,
old ones,
and new ones
for rocking my fucking life.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
unfinished
I remember when
We fought not to come clean
To keep the smell of wood smoke in our hair
And our clothes keep whispers of burning branches
Under the stars
Under the wide Wisconsin sky…
I remember the summer
Dirty and brown
Your permanent frown
And my clumsy words falling from my mouth
all around you
and our skin soaked with rain
I remember…
Saturday, November 20, 2010
deer season, waiting for snow.
i've been meaning to write more.
but these are always my intentions...
it seems like lately i have little to share.
i wake up, eat breakfast , have some coffee, accomplish menial daily tasks, watch movies and fall asleep on the sofa.
day after day.
my town is how i know it, i don't need to wander and explore.
and my mind is as it always was...and like my tiny city, it seems there is never really anything extraordinary luring around corners or springing from unexpected places.
just a landscape of familiarity.
comforting as it is, these cold days find me longing for dark woods.
i yearn for the need to watch my step, stay alert, be wary.
and normally on days like this i would just take to the woods, even moderately familiar woods, if only briefly...but seeing as it is opening day of deer season in the northwoods, well, suffice it to say that it is probably not in my best interest.
speaking of deer season in the north woods, this time of year always makes me chuckle.
it's the only time of year when all the artisan beer and wine is tucked away, instead replaced with prominent displays of kessler, stacked 8 feet high, and mountains of miller light.
cheap liquor proudly crowding the windows, presumably and obviously targeting hunters...luring them in with the seasons finest...whispering ,"yes good sir, stock up on plastic, industrial sized bottles of whiskey before venturing into the forest with a loaded rifle!"
ah, wisconsin, you silly state, you...
actually, these almost wintry days really gets me going. it's some of my absolute favorite bits of the seasons.
anticipating snow, planning gatherings, hopping from holiday to holiday, indulging in absurd amounts of food... it seems to me to be a time when people really make an effort....no matter what they are doing, do do it well.
and everything is pretty. even if there were no such thing as holidays this is an absolutely gorgeous sliver of time. maybe it's just because nearly a month of drab brown and gray is suddenly tucked away under a sparkling spotless blanket, neat and tidy.
and that's all i'm waiting for, right now.
but these are always my intentions...
it seems like lately i have little to share.
i wake up, eat breakfast , have some coffee, accomplish menial daily tasks, watch movies and fall asleep on the sofa.
day after day.
my town is how i know it, i don't need to wander and explore.
and my mind is as it always was...and like my tiny city, it seems there is never really anything extraordinary luring around corners or springing from unexpected places.
just a landscape of familiarity.
comforting as it is, these cold days find me longing for dark woods.
i yearn for the need to watch my step, stay alert, be wary.
and normally on days like this i would just take to the woods, even moderately familiar woods, if only briefly...but seeing as it is opening day of deer season in the northwoods, well, suffice it to say that it is probably not in my best interest.
speaking of deer season in the north woods, this time of year always makes me chuckle.
it's the only time of year when all the artisan beer and wine is tucked away, instead replaced with prominent displays of kessler, stacked 8 feet high, and mountains of miller light.
cheap liquor proudly crowding the windows, presumably and obviously targeting hunters...luring them in with the seasons finest...whispering ,"yes good sir, stock up on plastic, industrial sized bottles of whiskey before venturing into the forest with a loaded rifle!"
ah, wisconsin, you silly state, you...
actually, these almost wintry days really gets me going. it's some of my absolute favorite bits of the seasons.
anticipating snow, planning gatherings, hopping from holiday to holiday, indulging in absurd amounts of food... it seems to me to be a time when people really make an effort....no matter what they are doing, do do it well.
and everything is pretty. even if there were no such thing as holidays this is an absolutely gorgeous sliver of time. maybe it's just because nearly a month of drab brown and gray is suddenly tucked away under a sparkling spotless blanket, neat and tidy.
and that's all i'm waiting for, right now.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
30 truth and bone confessions
1) i am planning on pulling out my own tooth. i have no intention of paying a dentist and absurd fee to do it. once i figure out which exact tooth it is, it's game on.
2) i think i'm hilarious.
some people don't agree. but they can fuck off.
3)i should not be doing this right now because i am in a grumpy mood. i'm usually in a grumpy mood, as most of you know quite well, but last night me and whiskey did the forbidden dance and right now i feel kinda gross. i will not be ding that again. whiskey, you are a sneaky friend. i trust you no longer.
4) i am upset with myself because i don't write anymore. i want to, i NEED to, but i don't. and i don't know why.
5) i have enough underwear to go well over a month without having to do laundry.
that is no accident.
6) i put off going to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i want to do a little bit of everything and they don't have a major for that.
7) i sometimes like hanging out with my dogs more than with most people. even when they are naughty. like tight now.
8) i truly get upset if i'm at home and someone makes me a beverage in a coffee cup that is not my own. i find my own coffee cup ( my owl or alaska cup) comforting, and i feel almost like i am defiling the owner of the cup i am using. thusly, i do not like other people using my cup.
but i never say anything.
(though i have an inkling my sister feels the same way)
9) i rarely ever wear socks. even i winter. still.
they make me absolutely crazy when they creep out of place. so i take my chances with frostbite.
10) i am rarely ever satisfied with my work. especially my art or writing. everything i do is a work in progress, and likely will be until i cease to exist. and i've made my peace with that.
11) and speaking of making peace, i am completely aware that i am not as pretty as other girls. and i'm ok with that.
really. i'm cute enough, and like to think that my absurd personality is charming enough to compensate. and i have great shoes. that helps.
12) thinks that rein kubinek will someday rule the world. if only secretly and quietly.
seriously, i have huge respect for her.
13) i'm pretty confident that my mom knows how much i love her, but i doubt my dad is as aware. and that breaks my heart a little.
14) i feel a need for constant change. in absolutely every aspect of my life. i do not like when things are routine. it makes me uncomfortably stifled. and i get bored relatively quickly. this usually causes problems in my relationships.
15) you can say what you want about me, but if you say something nasty about my sister, well, my wrath will likely be upon you.
16) i can sing like a motherfucker. it's therapeutic. probably the most therapeutic thing i can think of, actually. but i don't do it publicly anymore because i can't play an instrument, and, well, every girl can sing, right? these days the seats of the car are my only audience.
17) sometimes i hate people instantly. they don't even need to do anything deplorable, i just find something about their character nauseating and i decide to hate them. usually the really cocky and self righteous are my target. but i don't hate them silently....
and i sometimes get so verbally viscous it disturbs me.
i try not to do that too much anymore if i can help it.
18) i can't stand it if there is sand in my bed. this is a bit problematic when the dogs want to snuggle.
19) i like taking broken things apart and figuring out how to fix them. pricing guns, staplers, vacuums...things like that.
20) i have a bad temper. sometimes i throw things baguettes, pumpkins, chairs... sorry.
21) i do not like working. the 9-5 gig is not my bag. i need to figure out how to make money on my own schedule.
22) that said, i work really well under pressure. i can quickly break down problems and find workable solutions and still be nice to my co-workers.
23) i do not consider myself a photographer. i'm just moderately good at taking photos. mostly photos of people. and mostly emotional, spontaneous photos. which is funny because most of the time i get more of a stir from nature, and i generally don't care for most people.
i take terrible nature photography.
24) i don't even know how to use photoshop. i mean, i can do some utterly basic stuff, but , hell, i can't even crop properly. it's really ridiculous.
25) i am a terrible speller. and also horrendous when it comes to typos. if it weren't for instant spell-check, you'd all think i was an imbecile.
26) i don't wear deodorant. that shit creeps me out. i smell good, though. most of the time. and when i don't a bit of hand sanitized to the pits works. it's just alcohol, so i feel ok about it.
27) i cry when i get angry. my eyes tear up, my face gets bright red.
not intimidating.
28) i feel like i talk too much. sometimes i feel as if i am dominating the conversation. i don't like it.
i suppose it's like anything else, i am headstrong and take control. i'm overall dominating. i get bossy and i don't like that either. i just have very strong feelings about how things should be, and if you can't do it the way i feel it should be done i have no problem doing it myself. i have a really hard time relinquishing control.
i don't really see this as a good trait.
29) i am prone to depression and ADD. but i figured out little tricks for my brain to combat both.
when i'm down, i write the best stuff. and i create, do artsy shit. i don't do that when i'm happy.
and as far as the add goes, i can't explain how that works. i stopped fighting the madness and let my brain do what it wants, and try and follow along, if that makes sense. so sometimes when i'm talking to people it seems like i'm not paying attention because i'm doing something else. but i promise you, i am.
30) i really thought i was going to cut this list short and only do like, 15 or 20. i am surprised i finished it.
2) i think i'm hilarious.
some people don't agree. but they can fuck off.
3)i should not be doing this right now because i am in a grumpy mood. i'm usually in a grumpy mood, as most of you know quite well, but last night me and whiskey did the forbidden dance and right now i feel kinda gross. i will not be ding that again. whiskey, you are a sneaky friend. i trust you no longer.
4) i am upset with myself because i don't write anymore. i want to, i NEED to, but i don't. and i don't know why.
5) i have enough underwear to go well over a month without having to do laundry.
that is no accident.
6) i put off going to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i want to do a little bit of everything and they don't have a major for that.
7) i sometimes like hanging out with my dogs more than with most people. even when they are naughty. like tight now.
8) i truly get upset if i'm at home and someone makes me a beverage in a coffee cup that is not my own. i find my own coffee cup ( my owl or alaska cup) comforting, and i feel almost like i am defiling the owner of the cup i am using. thusly, i do not like other people using my cup.
but i never say anything.
(though i have an inkling my sister feels the same way)
9) i rarely ever wear socks. even i winter. still.
they make me absolutely crazy when they creep out of place. so i take my chances with frostbite.
10) i am rarely ever satisfied with my work. especially my art or writing. everything i do is a work in progress, and likely will be until i cease to exist. and i've made my peace with that.
11) and speaking of making peace, i am completely aware that i am not as pretty as other girls. and i'm ok with that.
really. i'm cute enough, and like to think that my absurd personality is charming enough to compensate. and i have great shoes. that helps.
12) thinks that rein kubinek will someday rule the world. if only secretly and quietly.
seriously, i have huge respect for her.
13) i'm pretty confident that my mom knows how much i love her, but i doubt my dad is as aware. and that breaks my heart a little.
14) i feel a need for constant change. in absolutely every aspect of my life. i do not like when things are routine. it makes me uncomfortably stifled. and i get bored relatively quickly. this usually causes problems in my relationships.
15) you can say what you want about me, but if you say something nasty about my sister, well, my wrath will likely be upon you.
16) i can sing like a motherfucker. it's therapeutic. probably the most therapeutic thing i can think of, actually. but i don't do it publicly anymore because i can't play an instrument, and, well, every girl can sing, right? these days the seats of the car are my only audience.
17) sometimes i hate people instantly. they don't even need to do anything deplorable, i just find something about their character nauseating and i decide to hate them. usually the really cocky and self righteous are my target. but i don't hate them silently....
and i sometimes get so verbally viscous it disturbs me.
i try not to do that too much anymore if i can help it.
18) i can't stand it if there is sand in my bed. this is a bit problematic when the dogs want to snuggle.
19) i like taking broken things apart and figuring out how to fix them. pricing guns, staplers, vacuums...things like that.
20) i have a bad temper. sometimes i throw things baguettes, pumpkins, chairs... sorry.
21) i do not like working. the 9-5 gig is not my bag. i need to figure out how to make money on my own schedule.
22) that said, i work really well under pressure. i can quickly break down problems and find workable solutions and still be nice to my co-workers.
23) i do not consider myself a photographer. i'm just moderately good at taking photos. mostly photos of people. and mostly emotional, spontaneous photos. which is funny because most of the time i get more of a stir from nature, and i generally don't care for most people.
i take terrible nature photography.
24) i don't even know how to use photoshop. i mean, i can do some utterly basic stuff, but , hell, i can't even crop properly. it's really ridiculous.
25) i am a terrible speller. and also horrendous when it comes to typos. if it weren't for instant spell-check, you'd all think i was an imbecile.
26) i don't wear deodorant. that shit creeps me out. i smell good, though. most of the time. and when i don't a bit of hand sanitized to the pits works. it's just alcohol, so i feel ok about it.
27) i cry when i get angry. my eyes tear up, my face gets bright red.
not intimidating.
28) i feel like i talk too much. sometimes i feel as if i am dominating the conversation. i don't like it.
i suppose it's like anything else, i am headstrong and take control. i'm overall dominating. i get bossy and i don't like that either. i just have very strong feelings about how things should be, and if you can't do it the way i feel it should be done i have no problem doing it myself. i have a really hard time relinquishing control.
i don't really see this as a good trait.
29) i am prone to depression and ADD. but i figured out little tricks for my brain to combat both.
when i'm down, i write the best stuff. and i create, do artsy shit. i don't do that when i'm happy.
and as far as the add goes, i can't explain how that works. i stopped fighting the madness and let my brain do what it wants, and try and follow along, if that makes sense. so sometimes when i'm talking to people it seems like i'm not paying attention because i'm doing something else. but i promise you, i am.
30) i really thought i was going to cut this list short and only do like, 15 or 20. i am surprised i finished it.
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