"that joke isn't funny anymore.." unless it is, of course...

i've come to realize that most people don't "get" my sense of humor.
or maybe as i'm getting older my humor has become more jaded, cynical, self depreciating, obscure and utterly sarcastic.
and maybe it's because over the years lack of steady socialization has found me increasingly socially awkward, and that is reflected in my steady stream of tasteless jokes that no one seems to understand, further compounding the awkwardness.

is this something abnormal?
do other people have humor problems?

i mean, i completely understand how humor and sarcasm get lost in print, but in day to day conversations i find my comments getting those all too familiar "what the fuck?" looks from people.

and i'm also not wallowing in some pool of  "woe, no one understands me!", because people do. i have a few solid core group of people who completely understand that i'm really NOT going to light the cat on fire, and the funny part about it is that i secretly kind of want to. they get that.
(and they also understand the compound sarcasm of it all)
and recently i was semi-scolded by my fiancee for laughing every single time our friends girlfriend got pissed off at him and went on a public rant, ripping him a new one. it happened a lot. i thought it was funny. it was completely absurd. and funny.
or not, i guess...

so is it that my humor is changing, or am i just noticing these confused or downright negative reactions to it more often?
as i get older do my peers just not find that shit funny anymore, or have they NEVER found it funny, and are now comfortable with their social acceptance to not pretend that they do?
or maybe i'm just not very funny.
(ok, yes i am. or at the very least i find myself hysterically amusing. and that's all that counts.)

the truth is, i don't really give a shit one way or the other.
i'm simply musing...
this is what happens when i'm left alone in the house after painting all day.

but now the musings must end as i need to go rescue my ancient, blind, toothless decrepit little dog from from my other big dog who thinks it's funny to sit on the sofa above him and smack him on the head whit his big dog paw, likely because he can't see where it's coming from.
i think it's funny too.
and that's why we get along.

these boots are made for... stomping on the accelorator and heading the fuck out of town.

my feet are bare, but not terribly dirty.

and i think that's the problem.
i need dirt on the bottoms of my feet.
i need physical proof that i have been up so something moderately scandalous.

i need to get the fuck out of rhinelander for a day...or a couple days.
i need to feed my head with a taste of something different.

my devotion to my beloved wisconsin northwoods is deep and true...
...but sometimes i need a sip of the city.
i need to escape the purity predictability of the woods and water
and shuffle around in human filth and development and madness.
i want to not have to use my brain to find something interesting to do with myself, i want to just walk around a corner and be entertained, fulfilled.

i blame this long, drawn out season.
it's a deadlock time; not spring, not winter.
and i'm feeling stagnant....still.

luckily, in a couple days i will be in minneapolis's concrete embrace
(and i can finally quell my insatiable cravings for a vegan cupcake form the wedge!)
and the week after that, milwaukee.
winter has deprived me of the light i require, so now i'm going to revel in their sweet florescent's, incandescents, halogens and LEDs

and partake in the madness of humanity.


right now (and perhaps it's a simple as an emerging from some sort of soul hibernation) i just want to be around people and people-made things.
-i'm sure i'll get over it soon enough.
       perhaps just in time to go hide in he woods all summer.


it's probably good that i'm feeling this way; i've got a pretty full plate this month:
photo gigs,
two road trips,
a friend's (whom i haven't seen in years) show to attend...

i'd probably never manage it in my normal, semi-hermitic state..
maybe it's my subconscious prepping me for social survival.
yay for the brain that fools me!

ugh.

a friend of mine just summed it up:
"the winter doldrums...
at least bears and shit hibernate..
wake up in the spring and go right back to fucking in the bushes like nothing happened.
lucky fuckers"

lucky indeed, my friend,
lucky indeed.

guns don't kill people, lack of sunlight in winter kills people.

oh dark winter....
be as metal as you want, being without the sun makes people crazy.
i adore wisconsin, and i even enjoy winter, but come mid january through mid march...things get rough.
 my sister and i were talking today about understanding why countries near the arctic circle have such high suicide rates.
not that we are considering offing ourselves, but well...you get it.

lately i have all the time in the world to get all my many potential projects done...yet i want to do nothing.
-no, that's not even true, i've got a bad case of the "fuckits".
 there are a hundred things i want to do...but fuck it.

so what do i do all day? who knows, piss most of it away onlineor wander around my tiny city doing menial, grocery-related tasks.
essentially...nothing.

really, i'm still just pissed off about the slow death of my creativity. but instead i'll blame it on the weather.
whatever, i want some hot wings, i want a beer, and i want to watch the alien movies. followed by more movies where things blow up.

and then i want to go burn my sofa in the backyard.
perhaps tomorrow...lets burn the sofa.
maybe.
(is that legal?)
(do i care?)

wow.

i need a shower...

good riddance and embracing the unknown

well, we're four days into the new year. usually i've already written and ode to the past year, and a wish list for the new.
i think as they years go by it's my creativity and ambition that deteriorates the most, rather than my physical being (seeing as i still get carded in liquor stores).
so that hasn't happened.
i guess i could take the opportunity here and now, and maybe that'll help kick start my brain again.

2010, no offense, but i'm not going to really miss you.
 between all the fighting (dog and human; physical and verbal), dumb alcoholic stunts, lack of financial stability and the understanding that some of the people you thought were awesome are really self-centered and weak, i could have been just as content sleeping through this expanse of time.
however, through hardship we are tested and forced to evolve. to learn.
and without this bullshit john and i would not have anywhere near as strong a relationship as we do.
2010 also gave us grimm, who is pretty cool.
and it reminded me that the friends i really really love never disappoint. (and despite the little time i get to spend time with you these days, just knowing you exist saves my sanity daily)
i also got a super dose of family, which, without them, i would simply fail at life. they are my hammock, my safety net, and without them i would never be able to venture upward.
my family rocks.
my friends rock
 my lover rocks.
and my dogs are awesome. (the cats, however...)
so that's what 2010 gave me. a big pile of shit, but some really solid rocks.

next year...well, who knows.
i get married, which is kind of big. we have nothing planned, of course, because it's me. we had a solid plan, but then changed our minds. so we'll see what happens with that.

 i really want to get back into photography. i need a website, bad, and that's my big hang-up at the moment. and i'm thinking of getting a new camera. and a cheap or used laptop. but again, who knows.
it's a way to make some money that i actually like. and i'm decent at it. so why not?
i'm probably going back to school. at least to take some art classes. maybe something involving books and words...
i just don't know...with my financial situation everything is really a mystery. anything could happen.
 it's kind of scary...but kind of exciting.
but what can you do, right? this is life.
raw
unsafe
unpredictable.
this is what it's about.

and all through the house

so it's the night before the night before christmas.

thing are pretty much the same as they always are this time of year.
and just like years passed, this one finds me in a similar state; relatively broke, moderately stressed, and unbearably grateful.

on this december 23rd, 2010 (ok, it's actually the 24th at this point, but whatever) i have nothing to complain about.
really.
 despite the fact that this year finds me in the worst financial shape i have ever been in, no presents from me under the tree,  no real solid job, didn't make the deadline for school...
 yet all i can think is how really lucky i am.
i have a family who has shown their support  and love over and over again without judgment and asking nothing in return,
i have these crazy people who accept or, at the very least, ignore my annoying quirks and faults and bad-friend antics and continue, after all these years (or weeks) to call me "friend",
i have a fiancee who makes me feel balance and love like i have never known
i have a roof over my head
fur on every article of clothing i own
food in the fridge
gas in the tank

i am a lucky girl.

and it doesn't matter what other people are getting this year for christmas or whatever the fuck it is you celebrate, i have more than i could ever want for, more than could fit under any damn tree.

so i guess what i'm saying is thanks...all of you...
the big ones,
little ones,
furry ones,
old ones,
and new ones

for rocking my fucking life.

unfinished

I remember when

We fought not to come clean

To keep the smell of wood smoke in our hair

And our clothes keep whispers of burning branches

Under the stars

Under the wide Wisconsin sky…

I remember the summer

Dirty and brown

Your permanent frown

And my clumsy words falling from my mouth

all around you

and our skin soaked with rain

I remember…

deer season, waiting for snow.

i've been meaning to write more.
but these are always my intentions...
it seems like lately i have little to share.
i wake up, eat breakfast , have some coffee, accomplish menial daily tasks, watch movies and fall asleep on the sofa.
day after day.
 my town is how i know it, i don't need to wander and explore.
and my mind is as it always was...and like my tiny city, it seems there is never really anything extraordinary luring around corners or springing from unexpected places.
just a landscape of familiarity.
 comforting as it is, these cold days find me longing for dark woods.
i yearn for the need to watch my step, stay alert, be wary.

and normally on days like this i would just take to the woods, even moderately familiar woods, if only briefly...but seeing as it is opening day of deer season in the northwoods, well, suffice it to say that it is probably not in my best interest.

speaking of deer season in the north woods, this time of year always makes me chuckle.
it's the only time of year when all the artisan beer and wine is tucked away, instead replaced with prominent displays of kessler, stacked 8 feet high, and mountains of miller light.
cheap liquor proudly crowding the windows, presumably and obviously targeting hunters...luring them in with the seasons finest...whispering ,"yes good sir, stock up on plastic, industrial sized bottles of whiskey before venturing into the forest with a loaded rifle!"
ah, wisconsin, you silly state, you...


actually, these almost wintry days  really gets me going. it's some of my absolute favorite bits of the seasons.
anticipating snow, planning gatherings, hopping from holiday to holiday, indulging in absurd amounts of food... it seems to me to be a time when people really make an effort....no matter what they are doing, do do it well.
and everything is pretty. even if there were no such thing as holidays this is an absolutely gorgeous sliver of time. maybe it's just because nearly a month of drab brown and gray is suddenly tucked away under a sparkling spotless blanket, neat and tidy.

and that's all  i'm waiting for, right now.