i've been depressed lately.
we can blame the weather and my frozen toes at the end of may.
it's easy.
but it's not 100%
recently it has come to my attention that i have spent a majority of my life battling my own mind.
i have an anxiety disorder, and up until this point i have been subconsciously making excuses for it; blaming other factors "oh i must be sick" stuff like that.
the thing is, it has been getting in the way of almost everything i want to do. travel is difficult. holding down a job has been disastrous. sleeping is sometimes impossible.
i begin seeing a doctor on the 7th. and it can't come soon enough.
but there is even more than that...
lately i've been looking at photos of places i have never been and i have realized that i'll those are places i will never be.
we barely have enough money to keep our house, travel is simply out of the question.
so i'm stuck here. in a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world...and it's nice, really...but it's not where i expected to be.
somehow i though my life would be different.
i thought i'd have seen more of the world, or at least more of my own country by now. but i haven't.
i used to have this idea in my head that i would be living someplace old, yet small. someplace with quirky shops and diners where there would be menu items actually worth paying for. someplace where i could have a little piece of dirt for a garden and squeeze out a living doing something i didn't dread.
someplace not so cold. someplace where there was more like-minded people i could be inspired by, more than just the handful i keep close now.
-don't get me wrong, i love my home, and hopefully i'll be keeping it.
and i could probably be perfectly content right where i am if i could only travel....be inspired.
and i think that is my problem. i am wholly uninspired.
i feel stagnant.
zombified.
i feel like reality is crushing down on fantastical hope.
(and we all need a little bit of fantastical hope.)
i'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. (hopefully)
ugh.
maybe it's just the weather....
