i've been depressed lately.
we can blame the weather and my frozen toes at the end of may.
it's easy.
but it's not 100%
recently it has come to my attention that i have spent a majority of my life battling my own mind.
i have an anxiety disorder, and up until this point i have been subconsciously making excuses for it; blaming other factors "oh i must be sick" stuff like that.
the thing is, it has been getting in the way of almost everything i want to do. travel is difficult. holding down a job has been disastrous. sleeping is sometimes impossible.
i begin seeing a doctor on the 7th. and it can't come soon enough.
but there is even more than that...
lately i've been looking at photos of places i have never been and i have realized that i'll those are places i will never be.
we barely have enough money to keep our house, travel is simply out of the question.
so i'm stuck here. in a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world...and it's nice, really...but it's not where i expected to be.
somehow i though my life would be different.
i thought i'd have seen more of the world, or at least more of my own country by now. but i haven't.
i used to have this idea in my head that i would be living someplace old, yet small. someplace with quirky shops and diners where there would be menu items actually worth paying for. someplace where i could have a little piece of dirt for a garden and squeeze out a living doing something i didn't dread.
someplace not so cold. someplace where there was more like-minded people i could be inspired by, more than just the handful i keep close now.
-don't get me wrong, i love my home, and hopefully i'll be keeping it.
and i could probably be perfectly content right where i am if i could only travel....be inspired.
and i think that is my problem. i am wholly uninspired.
i feel stagnant.
zombified.
i feel like reality is crushing down on fantastical hope.
(and we all need a little bit of fantastical hope.)
i'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. (hopefully)
ugh.
maybe it's just the weather....
I sympathize completely. I have been there too. I think in a way it comes down to "you are what you eat". When I was in highschool I had TONS of inspiration AND motivation - but I also was on a high mental diet of constant NEW. I was passionate about music, clothes, art - and i devoured ALL of it. Now - I don't. I make excuses about not having money - or being embittered with age on all those fronts. But my brain feels quickened when I treat myself to a stack of comic books, some design magazines, and a new CD (YES I STILL buy Cd's - I know, I am an old lady). It doesn't happen that often - I can't afford to let it happen that often pocket wise. But It feels like a well has been refilled by rain in my head and my heart afterwords. There is a power in new things. When we are young - everything is new. And we seek to express our selves and out expereinces. But as we get older - things become KNOWN. We KNOW our towns. We know our friends. Less and less is new. Less and less is truely mysterious. I am convinced this deadens the brain. I know none of us can afford a road trip and a stay at a hotel - but maybe we need a camping trip. Some place In State that NONE of us have ever been before? Just a mid week jaunt? A car, a tent, and a camp fire on our part. And we trust Wisconsin to provide the rest. If it is after the 7th or so call it a test run for what ever anti anxiety med they write you a script for.
ReplyDeleteErin is a genius.
ReplyDeletei'm really not excited about meds.
ReplyDeletei fucking hate the idea of being medicated. like, loathe and detest.
but something has to happen...this is crazy.
that's why i think i need to travel. i need more new juice. my soul is thirsty.
also, next spring we want to go to nola with you.
we talked about it, and that's what we want to do for our "honeymoon" you can be our guide!
i wanna kiss a gator....
i think that'll help.