that little voice in the back of your head... you know, the one you don't want to listen to ever because it thinks your brilliant ideas are really dumb?
-yeah, listen to it.
so my cat has a urinary tract infection and is peeing all over my house. (which is really awesome, i'll have you know.) one of his most favorite places to relieve his urinary anguish is on my shoes. or OUR shoes, as the case may be....
well, between the dog-poop landmines and the urine surprises, my lover is running out of shoes to wear, and being the adoring partner i am i was committed to thoroughly washing them and allowing for him to have a vast selection of footwear options available for tomorrow.
the washing process went well, despite the fact that i dumped vinegar into a washing machine with a baking soda based detergent inside.
then came the drying...and the voice.
"whoa, you're not actually going to do what you're thinking of doing, are you?" the voice asked.
"look voice, it'll be fine. i've done it before..."
"uh-huh. sure. this is a really dumb idea. a really BAD idea. i'm kinda ashamed to share the same cranium as you right now."
"ok voice, that's quite enough. i know what i'm doing, and i don't need your sass. zip it."
silence
feeling resolute and assured i continued on with my mission. i was on a roll, making great progress and even greater time.
but the dryer cringes at my haughty glee...yet says nothing as i load the 6 pairs of wet, heavy shoes inside.
though i can feel its fear and misery...
feeling still accomplished i continued on upstairs happily going about my business while the shoes thumped and banged about in the dryer like a rolling freight train.
...when suddenly, with one final warning, the dryer spoke to me...with silence.
"uh-oh." i thought "was the voice right?"
upon returning to the basement i discovered the shoes had opened the dryer door, thus stopping the machine.
feeling quite haughty let out a chuckle, closed the door and resumed the drying cycle.
as i pushed the button the voice had one final taunt,
"man, you are an idiot."
about 15 minutes later the dryer once again fell silent , and once again i went down for an inspection.
this time the door was secure.
this time i was worried.
i tried a number of combinations for a quick solution.
the dryer stood defiant in deathly silence.
"i killed the dryer, didn't i?" i said to myself.
if the voice has a head, i'm sure it was shaking it at me in pity.
"you're a flippin idiot" it said,
then left me alone with my moderately wet shoes
and shame.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
need
oh dreary day
how thankful am i that you laid your grey damp blanket over these hours.
today is no day for sunshine
today is made for you, my dear
and your cold, wet embrace.
sometimes i think our human brains betray us more than we'd care to admit.
around every corner another cell claiming the glory of judas
and the rooster continues to crow...
all these collected lifestuffs
junk, really
junk i've squandered my time and money on
until i have none...save the junk.
and now i want it gone.
but i'll carry it on my back
just like the junk lady
and claim that it's vital.
why do we work?
for these things...this collected junk.
we say we need to eat, we need shelter
but in what capacity?
surely not the way we think we do.
and i am learning that now, as i struggle to pay off junk i no longer even own
along with the junk i do...
...wondering why i ever though i needed all of it in the first place.
and what of "need"?
what a strange creature it it is.
like a woman with may children
the mother of all need being simple: food, protection from the elements, oxygen
then there is her lover: companionship, comfort, knowledge....
and all their little bastard children: status, power, safety, stability, peace of mind, on and on...
and these children have all inbred and had mutant children of their own, like clothes, books, ipods, cars, blenders, washing machines, sofas, ice cream, matches...
we all choose which needs we invite to live with us.
i need to ween out the bastard children and their mutant spawn.
and be left with just the woman and her lover.
eating in a house
breathing each others breath
and understanding the profoundness of it all.
how thankful am i that you laid your grey damp blanket over these hours.
today is no day for sunshine
today is made for you, my dear
and your cold, wet embrace.
sometimes i think our human brains betray us more than we'd care to admit.
around every corner another cell claiming the glory of judas
and the rooster continues to crow...
all these collected lifestuffs
junk, really
junk i've squandered my time and money on
until i have none...save the junk.
and now i want it gone.
but i'll carry it on my back
just like the junk lady
and claim that it's vital.
why do we work?
for these things...this collected junk.
we say we need to eat, we need shelter
but in what capacity?
surely not the way we think we do.
and i am learning that now, as i struggle to pay off junk i no longer even own
along with the junk i do...
...wondering why i ever though i needed all of it in the first place.
and what of "need"?
what a strange creature it it is.
like a woman with may children
the mother of all need being simple: food, protection from the elements, oxygen
then there is her lover: companionship, comfort, knowledge....
and all their little bastard children: status, power, safety, stability, peace of mind, on and on...
and these children have all inbred and had mutant children of their own, like clothes, books, ipods, cars, blenders, washing machines, sofas, ice cream, matches...
we all choose which needs we invite to live with us.
i need to ween out the bastard children and their mutant spawn.
and be left with just the woman and her lover.
eating in a house
breathing each others breath
and understanding the profoundness of it all.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
this is my day...all mine....all mine.
suddenly, it seems, my life just took a drastic 90 degree turn from the path i was on...
i get up early (which is good because i'm starting a new job soon in which i will be required to wake early) and i have a cup of coffee and a bit of conversation on the porch with someone whom it is mutually enjoyable to be conversing with.
i'm outside, i'm getting things done, i'm eating better, i'm smiling more.
i feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest.
i don't need to worry constantly.
there are no nagging thoughts in the back of my mind
i'm not spending obscene amounts of money on alcohol i may or may not myself drink.
it's funny to think how life rolls itself out for you.
a winding, tangles mess of paths and intersections and decisions to be made...each decision leading to more paths and intersections...
like those "choose your own adventure" books....except you cant sneak a peek to the pages ahead.
i'm glad my book is not the adventure into the lions jaws anymore...and my path suddenly significantly less tangled.
i'm going to finish my coffee, clean my cabana, mow my lawn, finish my book, roll around with my doggies and prepare to spend the afternoon adventuring with an enchanting little girl doing adventurous girl things.
then i'm going to kiss my boyfriend, cleanse my soul with a song or two...and let dave make me one of his fantastical old fashions (best in town) and have a hearty laugh with some of the most wonderful girls in existence. (and some boys too.)
then i'm gong to bike back home, feed my dogs, and snuggle up next to someone whose presence makes me feel whole and home.
and then i'll sleep...
i get up early (which is good because i'm starting a new job soon in which i will be required to wake early) and i have a cup of coffee and a bit of conversation on the porch with someone whom it is mutually enjoyable to be conversing with.
i'm outside, i'm getting things done, i'm eating better, i'm smiling more.
i feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest.
i don't need to worry constantly.
there are no nagging thoughts in the back of my mind
i'm not spending obscene amounts of money on alcohol i may or may not myself drink.
it's funny to think how life rolls itself out for you.
a winding, tangles mess of paths and intersections and decisions to be made...each decision leading to more paths and intersections...
like those "choose your own adventure" books....except you cant sneak a peek to the pages ahead.
i'm glad my book is not the adventure into the lions jaws anymore...and my path suddenly significantly less tangled.
i'm going to finish my coffee, clean my cabana, mow my lawn, finish my book, roll around with my doggies and prepare to spend the afternoon adventuring with an enchanting little girl doing adventurous girl things.
then i'm going to kiss my boyfriend, cleanse my soul with a song or two...and let dave make me one of his fantastical old fashions (best in town) and have a hearty laugh with some of the most wonderful girls in existence. (and some boys too.)
then i'm gong to bike back home, feed my dogs, and snuggle up next to someone whose presence makes me feel whole and home.
and then i'll sleep...
Friday, July 29, 2011
i've said it before...
some people are soldiers and some are generals.
the generals sit in the tent, plan the best course of action and move with strategy and safety.
they are cautious, watching the battles, choosing when to make their move.
they are protected.
and then there are the soldiers, rushing into battle screaming, bayonet at the ready, knowing any minute they could be blown to bits... charging anyway.
they get wounded. they get scarred.
but they fight with everything they've got, because they know no other way.
i am not a general.
the generals sit in the tent, plan the best course of action and move with strategy and safety.
they are cautious, watching the battles, choosing when to make their move.
they are protected.
and then there are the soldiers, rushing into battle screaming, bayonet at the ready, knowing any minute they could be blown to bits... charging anyway.
they get wounded. they get scarred.
but they fight with everything they've got, because they know no other way.
i am not a general.
Monday, July 11, 2011
like a moth
sometimes i wonder how a person is supposed to function properly when their body and brain are working against them.
and, yes, that means my anxiety meds aren't working. at least they aren't helping.
i liked it better when i thought i was was just dying.
phantom symptoms of death that would suddenly appear at random...and fade after a while.
it was more romantic that way, dancing with bits of death....
but it's not death, and it's terribly un-romantic.
it's just my brain, misfiring signals to the rest of my body.
making me utterly crippled.
physically ill.
weak.
pathetic.
very real symptoms of an imaginary plague.
completely beyond my control.
i am not a strong person, fighting against death
i am merely wrestling myself. my own body and brain.
and i am losing.
and the best part is that unless you have a mental illness you don't really understand how utterly devastating it can be.
people just tell me to "cheer up" or "get over it"
the best one is "relax, it's only ____(whatever happens to trigger the attack)"
ok, if it's so easy then fix me. right now. PLEASE.
but i can't blame them for not getting it. i suffered for 30 years and only recently knew it's name. and even now it's new to me.
but i can tell you how it feels.
it's like being attacked my a moth.
it's something normal and natural.
mundane.
benign.
but sometimes it sneaks up on you, climbs down your throat and rips up your insides.
after it's done it crawls out again, and flutters around innocently, never telling it's secret, never crawling down your friends throat, your boss, your neighbor.
and i mean, what harm can a moth do, right?
and you feel stupid for being so defeated by something so small.
as small and harmless as a moth.
this is what it's like.
and, yes, that means my anxiety meds aren't working. at least they aren't helping.
i liked it better when i thought i was was just dying.
phantom symptoms of death that would suddenly appear at random...and fade after a while.
it was more romantic that way, dancing with bits of death....
but it's not death, and it's terribly un-romantic.
it's just my brain, misfiring signals to the rest of my body.
making me utterly crippled.
physically ill.
weak.
pathetic.
very real symptoms of an imaginary plague.
completely beyond my control.
i am not a strong person, fighting against death
i am merely wrestling myself. my own body and brain.
and i am losing.
and the best part is that unless you have a mental illness you don't really understand how utterly devastating it can be.
people just tell me to "cheer up" or "get over it"
the best one is "relax, it's only ____(whatever happens to trigger the attack)"
ok, if it's so easy then fix me. right now. PLEASE.
but i can't blame them for not getting it. i suffered for 30 years and only recently knew it's name. and even now it's new to me.
but i can tell you how it feels.
it's like being attacked my a moth.
it's something normal and natural.
mundane.
benign.
but sometimes it sneaks up on you, climbs down your throat and rips up your insides.
after it's done it crawls out again, and flutters around innocently, never telling it's secret, never crawling down your friends throat, your boss, your neighbor.
and i mean, what harm can a moth do, right?
and you feel stupid for being so defeated by something so small.
as small and harmless as a moth.
this is what it's like.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
quickly, though my hands are dirty...
today is has been a relatively lazy day.
productive, but lazy none the less...
and with all this nothing going on, i've had some time to reflect on the finer points of existence.
like the sweet sweet satisfaction of yanking weeds out of the garden.
or the smell of fresh cut grass
the taste of an icy beer through sweaty salty lips.
and the kind of adoration a girl can only feel for her dog.
i can get used to this life....
productive, but lazy none the less...
and with all this nothing going on, i've had some time to reflect on the finer points of existence.
like the sweet sweet satisfaction of yanking weeds out of the garden.
or the smell of fresh cut grass
the taste of an icy beer through sweaty salty lips.
and the kind of adoration a girl can only feel for her dog.
i can get used to this life....
Friday, June 10, 2011
well that sucked...
some of you may know that i recently went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
this is something i've had all my life but never realized until just recently, and as soon as i figured out that this is the cause of some of my lifes worst problems; burdening my relationships, severely disrupting my jobs, and basically inhibiting my whole life, i went to the doctor, who promptly prescribed medication, which i picked up this morning.
the medicines i was prescribed was prozac and lorazepam, which i took right away, because every time i have to go to work i get physically sick, and i had to work today.
about 45 minutes later i was bawling, sobbing.
for no reason at all.
john used the word "hysterical" but not in the funny way.
this continued for about an hour.
an hour of sobbing, on my sofa. by myself. for no fucking reason at all.
(john insisted on me calling in to work which i did...while sobbing)
after i stopped sobbing, i fell asleep where i sat.
i didn't wake up until my sister came home two hours later, despite the fact that i had an almost 20 lb cat sleeping on me.
i was confused, disoriented and spacy.
still tired...kinda achy in the chest and back.
finally i'm beginning to feel a bit better. at least my mind is clearing up a bit.
i should have known there was a problem when suddenly obi NEEDED to be next to me. right next to me, or actually in my lap.
and about the same time goat came running and needed to be in my lap also, despite the fact that obi was there. and goat doesn't really do sofa lap snuggle time....
they both stayed near me until my sister got home.
i will not be taking the lorazepam again, as i think that is the cause of the episode.
i will likely keep with the prozac unless i discover after taking my 2nd dose tomorrow night that THAT is the culprit.
as bad as the anxiety is and has been...this is worse.
fuck western medicine
fuck doctors who want to medicate the world.
and fuck pharmaceutical companies who make products with crippling side effects.
congratulations on being wealthy and happy....at everyone elses expense.
this is something i've had all my life but never realized until just recently, and as soon as i figured out that this is the cause of some of my lifes worst problems; burdening my relationships, severely disrupting my jobs, and basically inhibiting my whole life, i went to the doctor, who promptly prescribed medication, which i picked up this morning.
the medicines i was prescribed was prozac and lorazepam, which i took right away, because every time i have to go to work i get physically sick, and i had to work today.
about 45 minutes later i was bawling, sobbing.
for no reason at all.
john used the word "hysterical" but not in the funny way.
this continued for about an hour.
an hour of sobbing, on my sofa. by myself. for no fucking reason at all.
(john insisted on me calling in to work which i did...while sobbing)
after i stopped sobbing, i fell asleep where i sat.
i didn't wake up until my sister came home two hours later, despite the fact that i had an almost 20 lb cat sleeping on me.
i was confused, disoriented and spacy.
still tired...kinda achy in the chest and back.
finally i'm beginning to feel a bit better. at least my mind is clearing up a bit.
i should have known there was a problem when suddenly obi NEEDED to be next to me. right next to me, or actually in my lap.
and about the same time goat came running and needed to be in my lap also, despite the fact that obi was there. and goat doesn't really do sofa lap snuggle time....
they both stayed near me until my sister got home.
i will not be taking the lorazepam again, as i think that is the cause of the episode.
i will likely keep with the prozac unless i discover after taking my 2nd dose tomorrow night that THAT is the culprit.
as bad as the anxiety is and has been...this is worse.
fuck western medicine
fuck doctors who want to medicate the world.
and fuck pharmaceutical companies who make products with crippling side effects.
congratulations on being wealthy and happy....at everyone elses expense.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)