love story

once upon a time there was a lonely girl.
though she had a boyfriend and a dog she longed for companionship.
her dog was great, but they were sort of thrown together out of happenstance, and their personalities clashed a bit. and boyfriend, well, they come and go
now, this girl had long ago decided that she did not want children of her own, but something in her was whispering that adoption was the answer.
a baby to raise as her own. a new beginning.
she talked it over with her boyfriend and they decided to start looking.

a puppy.

but what kind?
it had to be a shelter dog. an unwanted critter. someone who needed a home as badly as she wanted to give it one.
(-see, the girl is partial to the worlds unwanted. the misfits. the sadder the story, the more likely she is to adore it. more than once she has been compared to king moonracer, that lion who runs the island of misfit toys, you know the guy.)

anyway, she was leaning toward an italian greyhound or a french bulldog, something smaller, yet stout. packable.
then one day when she was all alone and half asleep listening to the song "jezebel" she had thoughts of a white pitbull running down a gravel road.
decision made.
the search began.

after months of pouring over rescue sites looking for this specific creature finally one was available.
one of a litter born in a rescue in huntly, illinoise. about 300 miles away from home.
.the adoption fee for dogs at this shelter was $300, plus a required vet check up, which would cost another $150, approximately.
were they rich?
hardly.

did they drive the five hours to go pick up a puppy?
indeed.

once at the shelter it was brought to the girls attention that the entire litter was adoptable, and did she want to see them?
into a room of puppies she went, and every one was adorable.
just about to make a decision to take a sister of the original puppy she saw online home, that particular puppy waddled over, plopped down in her lap, looked up at her upside down (a move he still uses to this day) and waggled and wiggled and it was love.
from that moment on the girl would remain smitten for the rest of her days

it wasn't all sunshine and roses, though.
this dog ate socks and curtains, sometimes puking an entire sock up for privileged customers at work.
he completely excavated the entire back yard until no grass remained, and, most traumatically, be began to fight with the other dogs.
the fighting reached a point to where one dogs injuries were so bad he needed to be put down, another other dog was given a new home.
a decision had to be made, and this four year old dog was almost returned to the shelter from whence he came....but that never happened.

see, the dog did something for the girl. he gave her something to live for when she was in desperate need.
when love came and love left the dog stayed.
when her mind melted into a puddle on the floor, the dog just sat in her lap like nothing was different.
when her home was almost foreclosed, she knew she would be ok so long as she had her dog.
no matter what she needed to keep going because her dog needed her, but up until then she didn't realize how much she needed the dog.
her companion,
gardening partner,
exploration sidekick,
napping buddy,
 friend.


that is basically the short version of the love affair i have with my dog.
thanks obi, for taking such good care of me while i've been sick and hurting.

thanks for being a good dog.

.

good morning (tonight)

i had this dream of discontent,
longing,
loneliness.

then i woke up.

and now i almost feel in a state of limbo.
like after you have one of those vivid dreams you aren't completely sure what is dream and what is memory
those dreams you feel...
 
but  im awake.
groggy
stumbling
but awake
and doing the progressive things wakers do when they leave sleep to grow cold on the sheets.

it's difficult, though.
sometimes i feel those dreams i left behind.
not the sleeping ones, but  those wakeful disillusions we want to will into reality
but just cant manifest.

i feel their loss
and it hurts my heart.

but i have a doggie, and great friends
and plenty to occupy my mind and my hands

so it's time to drink the mornings coffee
and move on from dreams and helpless sleep
and take hold of my day
my moments
my life.


hello world
 i'm back.

the state that i am in (other than wisconsin)

well, my sister moves out today.
it's pretty sad, actually. we've lived together for about 24 years. that's a long damn time.
huh.

lately my life seems to be a big chaotic.
all this new stuff going on i don't know up from down.

i really don't know what else to say about it.
this is a strange state to be in...

dancing alone and clumsily between the living and dining room

having trouble keeping up, it seems
keeping up with you
keeping up with the world
it's probably just my body polluting my mind


                   *

so today i need an ocean.
not just a river, but an ocean
vast, commanding, unyielding, as wild as anything can be
 rhythmic, soothing, stationary
and predictable in it's way

at this point a great lake would suffice.
like, superior may even be better...considering that it doesn't have that aroma that the ocean has.
i prefer less of an aroma...

                   *

it's me and nick cave today.
because he knows how to make the piano sound like the inside of my head.
and he speaks only in poetry to me
 if i don't like what he has to say, i move on to the next poetic thought with the click of a button.
there is no misunderstanding, no miscommunication
 he speaks his piece, i hold mine.
and if i feel so inclined i'll sing with him, and that is all that is required of me.
it's a lovely relationship on days when i need an ocean...or a great lake.

            *

dance
very slowly
with a warm cup
and a dog looking on, wondering why you do these strange things when the music on
(i'm certain dogs do not understand dancing...but i think they get music, at least)

             *

today
i let my heart fall out slowly
slip with every slow, deliberate movement
and when it pools out on the floor
i'll squish it between my toes
warm and damp
as i sway from side to side
ears open
eyes closed
i'll allow my feet to feel what my heart is

a cautionairy tale...

 that little voice in the back of your head... you know, the one you don't want to listen to ever because it thinks your brilliant ideas are really dumb?
-yeah, listen to it.

so my cat has a urinary tract infection and is peeing all over my house. (which is really awesome, i'll have you know.) one of his most favorite places to relieve his urinary anguish is on my shoes. or OUR shoes, as the case may be....
well, between the dog-poop landmines and the urine surprises, my lover is running out of shoes to wear, and being the adoring partner i am i was committed to thoroughly washing them and allowing for him to have a vast selection of footwear options available for tomorrow.

the washing process went well, despite the fact that i dumped vinegar into a washing machine with a baking soda based detergent inside.
then came the drying...and the voice.

"whoa, you're not actually going to do what you're thinking of doing, are you?" the voice asked.

"look voice, it'll be fine. i've done it before..."

"uh-huh. sure. this is a really dumb idea. a really BAD idea. i'm kinda ashamed to share the same cranium as you right now."

"ok voice, that's quite enough. i know what i'm doing, and i don't need your sass. zip it."

silence

feeling resolute and assured i continued on with my mission. i was on a roll, making great progress and even greater time.
but the dryer cringes at my haughty glee...yet says nothing as i load the 6 pairs of wet, heavy shoes inside.
though i can feel its fear and misery...

feeling still accomplished i continued on upstairs happily going about my business while the shoes thumped and banged about in the dryer like a rolling freight train.
...when suddenly, with one final warning, the dryer spoke to me...with silence.

"uh-oh." i thought "was the voice right?"

upon returning to the basement i discovered the shoes had opened the dryer door, thus stopping the machine.
feeling quite haughty let out a chuckle, closed the door and resumed the drying cycle.
as i pushed the button the voice had one final taunt,
"man, you are an idiot."

about 15 minutes later the dryer once again fell silent , and once again i went down for an inspection.
this time the door was secure.
this time i was worried.
i tried a number of combinations for a quick solution.
the dryer stood defiant in deathly silence.

"i killed the dryer, didn't i?" i said to myself.
if the voice has a head, i'm sure it was shaking it at me in pity.
"you're a flippin idiot" it said,
then left me alone with my moderately wet shoes
and shame.

need

oh dreary day
how thankful am i that you laid your grey damp blanket over these hours.
today is no day for sunshine
today is made for you, my dear
and your cold, wet embrace.



sometimes i think our human brains betray us more than we'd care to admit.
around every corner another cell claiming the glory of judas
and the rooster continues to crow...

all these collected lifestuffs
junk, really
junk i've squandered my time and money on
until i have none...save the junk.
and now i want it gone.
but i'll carry it on my back
just like the junk lady
and claim that it's vital.

why do we work?
for these things...this collected junk.
we say we need to eat, we need shelter
but in what capacity?
surely not the way we think we do.
and i am learning that now, as i struggle to pay off junk i no longer even own
along with the junk i do...
...wondering why i ever though i needed all of it in the first place.

and what of "need"?
what a strange creature it it is.
like a woman with may children
the mother of all need being simple: food, protection from the elements, oxygen
then there is her lover: companionship, comfort, knowledge....
and all their little bastard children: status, power, safety, stability, peace of mind, on and on...
and these children have all inbred and had mutant children of their own, like clothes, books, ipods, cars, blenders, washing machines, sofas, ice cream, matches...


we all choose which needs we invite to live with us.

i need to ween out the bastard children and their mutant spawn.

and be left with just the woman and her lover.
eating in a house
breathing each others breath
and understanding the profoundness of it all.

this is my day...all mine....all mine.

suddenly, it seems, my life just took a drastic 90 degree turn from the path i was on...

i get up early (which is good because i'm starting a new job soon in which i will be required to wake early) and i have a cup of coffee and  a bit of conversation on the porch with someone whom it is mutually enjoyable to be conversing with.
i'm outside, i'm getting things done, i'm eating better, i'm smiling more.
i feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest.
i don't need to worry constantly.
there are no nagging thoughts in the back of my mind
i'm not spending obscene amounts of money on alcohol i may or may not myself drink.

it's funny to think how life rolls itself out for you.
a winding, tangles mess of paths and intersections and decisions to be made...each decision leading to more paths and intersections...
like those "choose your own adventure" books....except you cant sneak a peek to the pages ahead.

i'm glad my book is not the adventure into the lions jaws anymore...and my path suddenly significantly less tangled.

i'm going to finish my coffee, clean my cabana, mow my lawn, finish my book, roll around with my doggies and prepare to spend the afternoon adventuring with an enchanting little girl doing adventurous girl things.
then i'm going to kiss my boyfriend, cleanse my soul with a song or two...and let dave make me one of his fantastical old fashions (best in town) and have a hearty laugh with some of the most wonderful girls in existence. (and some boys too.)
then i'm gong to bike back home, feed my dogs, and snuggle up next to someone whose presence makes me feel whole and home.
and then i'll sleep...