the state that i am in (other than wisconsin)

well, my sister moves out today.
it's pretty sad, actually. we've lived together for about 24 years. that's a long damn time.
huh.

lately my life seems to be a big chaotic.
all this new stuff going on i don't know up from down.

i really don't know what else to say about it.
this is a strange state to be in...

dancing alone and clumsily between the living and dining room

having trouble keeping up, it seems
keeping up with you
keeping up with the world
it's probably just my body polluting my mind


                   *

so today i need an ocean.
not just a river, but an ocean
vast, commanding, unyielding, as wild as anything can be
 rhythmic, soothing, stationary
and predictable in it's way

at this point a great lake would suffice.
like, superior may even be better...considering that it doesn't have that aroma that the ocean has.
i prefer less of an aroma...

                   *

it's me and nick cave today.
because he knows how to make the piano sound like the inside of my head.
and he speaks only in poetry to me
 if i don't like what he has to say, i move on to the next poetic thought with the click of a button.
there is no misunderstanding, no miscommunication
 he speaks his piece, i hold mine.
and if i feel so inclined i'll sing with him, and that is all that is required of me.
it's a lovely relationship on days when i need an ocean...or a great lake.

            *

dance
very slowly
with a warm cup
and a dog looking on, wondering why you do these strange things when the music on
(i'm certain dogs do not understand dancing...but i think they get music, at least)

             *

today
i let my heart fall out slowly
slip with every slow, deliberate movement
and when it pools out on the floor
i'll squish it between my toes
warm and damp
as i sway from side to side
ears open
eyes closed
i'll allow my feet to feel what my heart is

a cautionairy tale...

 that little voice in the back of your head... you know, the one you don't want to listen to ever because it thinks your brilliant ideas are really dumb?
-yeah, listen to it.

so my cat has a urinary tract infection and is peeing all over my house. (which is really awesome, i'll have you know.) one of his most favorite places to relieve his urinary anguish is on my shoes. or OUR shoes, as the case may be....
well, between the dog-poop landmines and the urine surprises, my lover is running out of shoes to wear, and being the adoring partner i am i was committed to thoroughly washing them and allowing for him to have a vast selection of footwear options available for tomorrow.

the washing process went well, despite the fact that i dumped vinegar into a washing machine with a baking soda based detergent inside.
then came the drying...and the voice.

"whoa, you're not actually going to do what you're thinking of doing, are you?" the voice asked.

"look voice, it'll be fine. i've done it before..."

"uh-huh. sure. this is a really dumb idea. a really BAD idea. i'm kinda ashamed to share the same cranium as you right now."

"ok voice, that's quite enough. i know what i'm doing, and i don't need your sass. zip it."

silence

feeling resolute and assured i continued on with my mission. i was on a roll, making great progress and even greater time.
but the dryer cringes at my haughty glee...yet says nothing as i load the 6 pairs of wet, heavy shoes inside.
though i can feel its fear and misery...

feeling still accomplished i continued on upstairs happily going about my business while the shoes thumped and banged about in the dryer like a rolling freight train.
...when suddenly, with one final warning, the dryer spoke to me...with silence.

"uh-oh." i thought "was the voice right?"

upon returning to the basement i discovered the shoes had opened the dryer door, thus stopping the machine.
feeling quite haughty let out a chuckle, closed the door and resumed the drying cycle.
as i pushed the button the voice had one final taunt,
"man, you are an idiot."

about 15 minutes later the dryer once again fell silent , and once again i went down for an inspection.
this time the door was secure.
this time i was worried.
i tried a number of combinations for a quick solution.
the dryer stood defiant in deathly silence.

"i killed the dryer, didn't i?" i said to myself.
if the voice has a head, i'm sure it was shaking it at me in pity.
"you're a flippin idiot" it said,
then left me alone with my moderately wet shoes
and shame.

need

oh dreary day
how thankful am i that you laid your grey damp blanket over these hours.
today is no day for sunshine
today is made for you, my dear
and your cold, wet embrace.



sometimes i think our human brains betray us more than we'd care to admit.
around every corner another cell claiming the glory of judas
and the rooster continues to crow...

all these collected lifestuffs
junk, really
junk i've squandered my time and money on
until i have none...save the junk.
and now i want it gone.
but i'll carry it on my back
just like the junk lady
and claim that it's vital.

why do we work?
for these things...this collected junk.
we say we need to eat, we need shelter
but in what capacity?
surely not the way we think we do.
and i am learning that now, as i struggle to pay off junk i no longer even own
along with the junk i do...
...wondering why i ever though i needed all of it in the first place.

and what of "need"?
what a strange creature it it is.
like a woman with may children
the mother of all need being simple: food, protection from the elements, oxygen
then there is her lover: companionship, comfort, knowledge....
and all their little bastard children: status, power, safety, stability, peace of mind, on and on...
and these children have all inbred and had mutant children of their own, like clothes, books, ipods, cars, blenders, washing machines, sofas, ice cream, matches...


we all choose which needs we invite to live with us.

i need to ween out the bastard children and their mutant spawn.

and be left with just the woman and her lover.
eating in a house
breathing each others breath
and understanding the profoundness of it all.

this is my day...all mine....all mine.

suddenly, it seems, my life just took a drastic 90 degree turn from the path i was on...

i get up early (which is good because i'm starting a new job soon in which i will be required to wake early) and i have a cup of coffee and  a bit of conversation on the porch with someone whom it is mutually enjoyable to be conversing with.
i'm outside, i'm getting things done, i'm eating better, i'm smiling more.
i feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest.
i don't need to worry constantly.
there are no nagging thoughts in the back of my mind
i'm not spending obscene amounts of money on alcohol i may or may not myself drink.

it's funny to think how life rolls itself out for you.
a winding, tangles mess of paths and intersections and decisions to be made...each decision leading to more paths and intersections...
like those "choose your own adventure" books....except you cant sneak a peek to the pages ahead.

i'm glad my book is not the adventure into the lions jaws anymore...and my path suddenly significantly less tangled.

i'm going to finish my coffee, clean my cabana, mow my lawn, finish my book, roll around with my doggies and prepare to spend the afternoon adventuring with an enchanting little girl doing adventurous girl things.
then i'm going to kiss my boyfriend, cleanse my soul with a song or two...and let dave make me one of his fantastical old fashions (best in town) and have a hearty laugh with some of the most wonderful girls in existence. (and some boys too.)
then i'm gong to bike back home, feed my dogs, and snuggle up next to someone whose presence makes me feel whole and home.
and then i'll sleep...

i've said it before...

some people are soldiers and some are generals.

the generals sit in the tent, plan the best course of action and move with strategy and safety.
they are cautious, watching the battles, choosing when to make their move.
they are protected.

and then there are the soldiers, rushing into battle screaming, bayonet at the ready, knowing any minute they could be blown to bits... charging anyway.
they get wounded. they get scarred.
but they fight with everything they've got, because they know no other way.

i am not a general.

like a moth

sometimes i wonder how a person is supposed to function properly when their body and brain are working against them.
and, yes, that means my anxiety meds aren't working. at least they aren't helping.


i liked it better when i thought i was was just dying.
phantom symptoms of death that would suddenly appear at random...and fade after a while.
it was more romantic that way, dancing with bits of death....

but it's not death, and it's terribly un-romantic.
it's just my brain, misfiring signals to the rest of my body.
making me utterly crippled.
physically ill.
weak.
pathetic.
very real symptoms of an imaginary plague.
completely beyond my control.

i am not a strong person, fighting against death
i am merely wrestling myself. my own body and brain.
and i am losing.

 and the best part is that unless you have a mental illness you don't really understand how utterly devastating it can be.
people just tell me to "cheer up" or "get over it"
the best one is "relax, it's only ____(whatever happens to trigger the attack)"

ok, if it's so easy then fix me. right now.  PLEASE.

but i can't blame them for not getting it. i suffered for 30 years and only recently knew it's name. and even now it's new to me.

but i can tell you how it feels.
it's like being attacked my a moth.
it's something normal and natural.
mundane.
benign.
but sometimes it sneaks up on you, climbs down your throat and rips up your insides.
after it's done it crawls out again, and flutters around innocently, never telling it's secret, never crawling down your friends throat, your boss, your neighbor.
and i mean, what harm can a moth do, right?
and you feel stupid for being so defeated by something so small.
as small and harmless as a moth.

this is what it's like.

quickly, though my hands are dirty...

today is has been a relatively lazy day.
productive, but lazy none the less...

and with all this nothing going on, i've had some time to reflect on the finer points of existence.
like the sweet sweet satisfaction of yanking weeds out of the garden.
or the smell of fresh cut grass
the taste of an icy beer through sweaty salty lips.

and the kind of adoration a girl can only feel for her dog.

i can get used to this life....

well that sucked...

some of you may know that i recently went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
this is something i've had all my life but never realized until just recently, and as soon as i figured out that this is the cause of some of my lifes worst problems; burdening my relationships, severely disrupting my jobs, and basically inhibiting my whole life, i went to the doctor, who promptly prescribed medication, which i picked up this morning.

the medicines i was prescribed was prozac and lorazepam, which i took right away, because every time i have to go to work i get physically sick, and i had to work today.
about 45 minutes later i was bawling, sobbing.
for no reason at all.
john used the word "hysterical" but not in the funny way.
this continued for about an hour.
an hour of sobbing, on my sofa. by myself. for no fucking reason at all.
(john insisted on me calling in to work which i did...while sobbing)
after i stopped sobbing, i fell asleep where i sat.
i didn't wake up until my sister came home two hours later, despite the fact that i had an almost 20 lb cat sleeping on me.

i was confused, disoriented and spacy.
still tired...kinda achy in the chest and back.

finally i'm beginning to feel a bit better. at least my mind is clearing up a bit.
i should have known there was a problem when suddenly obi NEEDED to be next to me. right next to me, or actually in my lap.
and about the same time goat came running and needed to be in my lap also, despite the fact that obi was there. and goat doesn't really do sofa lap snuggle time....
they both stayed near me until my sister got home.

i will not be taking the lorazepam again, as i think that is the cause of the episode.
i will likely keep with the prozac unless i discover after taking my 2nd dose tomorrow night that THAT is the culprit.

as bad as the anxiety is and has been...this is worse.
fuck western medicine
fuck doctors who want to medicate the world.
and fuck pharmaceutical companies who make products with crippling side effects.
congratulations on being wealthy and happy....at everyone elses expense.

misdirection

i've been depressed lately.
we can blame the weather and my frozen toes at the end of may.
it's easy.
but it's not 100%

recently it has come to my attention that i have spent a majority of my life battling my own mind.
i have an anxiety disorder, and up until this point i have been subconsciously making excuses for it; blaming other factors "oh i must be sick" stuff like that.
the thing is, it has been getting in the way of almost everything i want to do. travel is difficult. holding down a job has been disastrous. sleeping is sometimes impossible.

i begin seeing a doctor on the 7th. and it can't come soon enough.

but there is even more than that...
lately i've been looking at photos of places i have never been and i have realized that i'll those are places i will never be.
we barely have enough money to keep our house, travel is simply out of the question.
so i'm stuck here. in a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world...and it's nice, really...but it's not where i expected to be.
somehow i though my life would be different.
i thought i'd have seen more of the world, or at least more of my own country by now. but i haven't.

i used to have this idea in my head that i would be living someplace old, yet small. someplace with quirky shops and diners where there would be menu items actually worth paying for. someplace where i could have a little piece of dirt for a garden and squeeze out a living doing something i didn't dread.
someplace not so cold. someplace where there was more like-minded people i could be inspired by, more than just the handful i keep close now.

-don't get me wrong, i love my home, and hopefully i'll be keeping it.
and i could probably be perfectly content right where i am if i could only travel....be inspired.
and i think that is my problem. i am wholly uninspired.
i feel stagnant.
zombified.
i feel like reality is crushing down on fantastical hope.
 (and we all need a little bit of fantastical hope.)
i'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. (hopefully)
ugh.

maybe it's just the weather....

"that joke isn't funny anymore.." unless it is, of course...

i've come to realize that most people don't "get" my sense of humor.
or maybe as i'm getting older my humor has become more jaded, cynical, self depreciating, obscure and utterly sarcastic.
and maybe it's because over the years lack of steady socialization has found me increasingly socially awkward, and that is reflected in my steady stream of tasteless jokes that no one seems to understand, further compounding the awkwardness.

is this something abnormal?
do other people have humor problems?

i mean, i completely understand how humor and sarcasm get lost in print, but in day to day conversations i find my comments getting those all too familiar "what the fuck?" looks from people.

and i'm also not wallowing in some pool of  "woe, no one understands me!", because people do. i have a few solid core group of people who completely understand that i'm really NOT going to light the cat on fire, and the funny part about it is that i secretly kind of want to. they get that.
(and they also understand the compound sarcasm of it all)
and recently i was semi-scolded by my fiancee for laughing every single time our friends girlfriend got pissed off at him and went on a public rant, ripping him a new one. it happened a lot. i thought it was funny. it was completely absurd. and funny.
or not, i guess...

so is it that my humor is changing, or am i just noticing these confused or downright negative reactions to it more often?
as i get older do my peers just not find that shit funny anymore, or have they NEVER found it funny, and are now comfortable with their social acceptance to not pretend that they do?
or maybe i'm just not very funny.
(ok, yes i am. or at the very least i find myself hysterically amusing. and that's all that counts.)

the truth is, i don't really give a shit one way or the other.
i'm simply musing...
this is what happens when i'm left alone in the house after painting all day.

but now the musings must end as i need to go rescue my ancient, blind, toothless decrepit little dog from from my other big dog who thinks it's funny to sit on the sofa above him and smack him on the head whit his big dog paw, likely because he can't see where it's coming from.
i think it's funny too.
and that's why we get along.

these boots are made for... stomping on the accelorator and heading the fuck out of town.

my feet are bare, but not terribly dirty.

and i think that's the problem.
i need dirt on the bottoms of my feet.
i need physical proof that i have been up so something moderately scandalous.

i need to get the fuck out of rhinelander for a day...or a couple days.
i need to feed my head with a taste of something different.

my devotion to my beloved wisconsin northwoods is deep and true...
...but sometimes i need a sip of the city.
i need to escape the purity predictability of the woods and water
and shuffle around in human filth and development and madness.
i want to not have to use my brain to find something interesting to do with myself, i want to just walk around a corner and be entertained, fulfilled.

i blame this long, drawn out season.
it's a deadlock time; not spring, not winter.
and i'm feeling stagnant....still.

luckily, in a couple days i will be in minneapolis's concrete embrace
(and i can finally quell my insatiable cravings for a vegan cupcake form the wedge!)
and the week after that, milwaukee.
winter has deprived me of the light i require, so now i'm going to revel in their sweet florescent's, incandescents, halogens and LEDs

and partake in the madness of humanity.


right now (and perhaps it's a simple as an emerging from some sort of soul hibernation) i just want to be around people and people-made things.
-i'm sure i'll get over it soon enough.
       perhaps just in time to go hide in he woods all summer.


it's probably good that i'm feeling this way; i've got a pretty full plate this month:
photo gigs,
two road trips,
a friend's (whom i haven't seen in years) show to attend...

i'd probably never manage it in my normal, semi-hermitic state..
maybe it's my subconscious prepping me for social survival.
yay for the brain that fools me!

ugh.

a friend of mine just summed it up:
"the winter doldrums...
at least bears and shit hibernate..
wake up in the spring and go right back to fucking in the bushes like nothing happened.
lucky fuckers"

lucky indeed, my friend,
lucky indeed.

guns don't kill people, lack of sunlight in winter kills people.

oh dark winter....
be as metal as you want, being without the sun makes people crazy.
i adore wisconsin, and i even enjoy winter, but come mid january through mid march...things get rough.
 my sister and i were talking today about understanding why countries near the arctic circle have such high suicide rates.
not that we are considering offing ourselves, but well...you get it.

lately i have all the time in the world to get all my many potential projects done...yet i want to do nothing.
-no, that's not even true, i've got a bad case of the "fuckits".
 there are a hundred things i want to do...but fuck it.

so what do i do all day? who knows, piss most of it away onlineor wander around my tiny city doing menial, grocery-related tasks.
essentially...nothing.

really, i'm still just pissed off about the slow death of my creativity. but instead i'll blame it on the weather.
whatever, i want some hot wings, i want a beer, and i want to watch the alien movies. followed by more movies where things blow up.

and then i want to go burn my sofa in the backyard.
perhaps tomorrow...lets burn the sofa.
maybe.
(is that legal?)
(do i care?)

wow.

i need a shower...

good riddance and embracing the unknown

well, we're four days into the new year. usually i've already written and ode to the past year, and a wish list for the new.
i think as they years go by it's my creativity and ambition that deteriorates the most, rather than my physical being (seeing as i still get carded in liquor stores).
so that hasn't happened.
i guess i could take the opportunity here and now, and maybe that'll help kick start my brain again.

2010, no offense, but i'm not going to really miss you.
 between all the fighting (dog and human; physical and verbal), dumb alcoholic stunts, lack of financial stability and the understanding that some of the people you thought were awesome are really self-centered and weak, i could have been just as content sleeping through this expanse of time.
however, through hardship we are tested and forced to evolve. to learn.
and without this bullshit john and i would not have anywhere near as strong a relationship as we do.
2010 also gave us grimm, who is pretty cool.
and it reminded me that the friends i really really love never disappoint. (and despite the little time i get to spend time with you these days, just knowing you exist saves my sanity daily)
i also got a super dose of family, which, without them, i would simply fail at life. they are my hammock, my safety net, and without them i would never be able to venture upward.
my family rocks.
my friends rock
 my lover rocks.
and my dogs are awesome. (the cats, however...)
so that's what 2010 gave me. a big pile of shit, but some really solid rocks.

next year...well, who knows.
i get married, which is kind of big. we have nothing planned, of course, because it's me. we had a solid plan, but then changed our minds. so we'll see what happens with that.

 i really want to get back into photography. i need a website, bad, and that's my big hang-up at the moment. and i'm thinking of getting a new camera. and a cheap or used laptop. but again, who knows.
it's a way to make some money that i actually like. and i'm decent at it. so why not?
i'm probably going back to school. at least to take some art classes. maybe something involving books and words...
i just don't know...with my financial situation everything is really a mystery. anything could happen.
 it's kind of scary...but kind of exciting.
but what can you do, right? this is life.
raw
unsafe
unpredictable.
this is what it's about.